Dealing with difficult people

One of the worst parts of going into the office is working with difficult people, those who frustrate and dampen the spirits of others around them. Naturally, each of us can be difficult to work with at times. But chronically difficult people are those who are seen as difficult by most co-workers most of the time. They tend to be people who are reluctant to change—making their behavior that much more vexing for everyone else.

Luckily, management consultants say there are ways to cope with difficult people. The key is to develop specific problem-solving skills, rather than wishing the person was different or becoming hostile yourself.

The first thing to do is recognize that coping does not mean changing someone else. Your own behavior is the only thing you can change. Coping demands that you learn new ways to function effectively.

Next, you need to understand the three basic difficult personality types in an office: the Hostile, the Whiner and the Clam.What follows is an overview of how each type behaves and how to cope successfully.

The Hostile. This person prevails at work by bullying others. He lets people know how everyone “should” behave and attacks co-workers who show a lack of confidence. Those that retreat from attack will only be rewarded with more aggression.

Coping with a Hostile requires standing up to them without fighting. Since Hostiles are adept at aggression and fighting, any aggression on your part will only be met with more aggression. Unless you are extremely tenacious yourself, you will lose arguments. And even if you do win occasionally, more than likely your own reputation will suffer.

To stand up for yourself without fighting means giving the Hostile a chance to wind down and then state your opinions firmly. You might try saying, “You have the right to discuss my work, but you don’t have the right to humiliate me.”More than likely, a Hostile will respect your forthrightness and try to deal with you differently.

The Whiner. This person complains incessantly but does nothing to improve problems. She tends to avoid taking responsibility and indulges in long groaning monologues about the shortcomings of others. If you respond by making helpful suggestions,Whiners won’t try them out, opting instead for blaming you for the problem.

Coping with a Whiner requires listening to what they say—but with a time limit. Don’t listen indefinitely. Restate what you heard them complain about and ask how they would solve the problem. Don’t apologize for the problem, for then you are accepting responsibility.

The Clam. This person volunteers little information but consistently seems displeased. His answers are monosyllabic and noncommittal.

Coping with Clams requires getting them to articulate their true feelings. Don’t try to interpret their nonverbal clues. They may be satisfied with your work, and you shouldn’t make assumptions to the contrary.

Use open-ended questions, questions that can’t be answered with one word. Also, give them time to answer your questions. Be prepared to deal with long pauses and don’t try to fill them with your own interpretation of their reaction. Stare back at them until they respond. But don’t stare directly into their eyes, as it can seem confrontational.

If staring fails to get a Clam to communicate, try commenting on the silence by saying, “I notice that you’re not responding.What does this mean?”More than likely, a Clam will feel compelled to open up.

—adapted from Career World